It's a never ending cycle of sadness..

I am tired of feeling this way day after day, week after week....

I am tired of life....tired of school, tired of having a boyfriend, tired of having family, tired of not having any close friends...

But it's a way of life, and maybe I should just get use to it and deal with it...
Hmmm

School is really frustrating right now. Although I did alright on my tests last week. I think I could have done better if I wasn't so stressed. But I did pass them all and got above 65% on all of them so I suppose that's what really matters. I have a test tomorrow though and I don't know how to do one of the really important questions....I try to pretend that I just don't care about it, but I know I really do. It's frustrating when the answers to the questions you have in your notes, are different from the answers to the exact same questions that are on the internet on the textbook solutions website. It's pretty damn hard to learn anything when that happens.

I'm tired of dealing with this relationship. Don't get me wrong....Ab is a wicked guy. He is always there for me when I need him, and I know that he cares a lot about me. I care a lot about him too....but I just don't want to deal with all of this right now. His parents are too controling of him and it's affecting our relationship. We live 2 minutes away from each other and yet we only get to see each other once a week!!! And when we do actually spend time together his parents are calling him too many times to even count. He always tells me that he misses me and he wants to see me, and then he tells me that he can't see me. And I can't deal with that...I don't want to think about being able to see him and then not getting to see him. I am sure that his parents hate me, even though they haven't met me yet. I told him his tonight, and he told me that it was stupid to even think that. But I am sure of it. And it's probably because I am white...... But I've dealt with it before..I think I can deal with it again... I hope though as time passes his parents will be able to like me. I hope they can see that I am a good person.

My mom got pissed off at me tonight because when she decided to finally cook dinner at 9:00 I didn't want to eat. And then she got pissed off at me because I had my music too loud and there was too much bass. Well fuck off...deal with it!!!!!

I feel as if I don't have any close friends anymore. Actually it's not just a feeling..it's pretty much the truth. I don't have any one that I can always depend on to be there when I need them. Jamie I know you are going to read this and think some horrible thoughts...don't though. I love our friendship, but I am not as close to you or Amy or anyone else for that fact as I wish I was. And it's just because of life. Because of growing up and moving in our own directions...and it all makes sense..it's just hard at times when the only person I have to really talk to is Ab, and at times I just don't want to talk to him, like tonight for example.

Well I suppose that's enough crap for this post.
I know you were probably expecting or at least hoping for some happy post, but sorry I just couldn't make it happen.

Good night. I must go study a little more for this test that I know I am only going to fail.....